Sunday, August 15, 2010

Dear Ob/Gyn, I Shaved My Legs Just For You.

Does anyone else do that? I mean, seriously, I can't be the only female who takes a shower before she goes to the ob/gyn and shaves her legs and her armpits and makes sure her nether region is nice and trimmed. And then flips out because adult acne has plagued her pits and hopes to goodness that the gyno won't look at them, even though she knows part of the exam is a breast exam. Surely, I am not the only one.

Friday the 13th (of all days!) was the day for my annual gynecological exam. Going to the ob/gyn is fun if you're pregnant because you get to hear the heartbeat and sometimes you have an ultrasound so you get to see the baby.

But if you're not pregnant? Well, it pretty much just sucks.

There are about a million things I would rather do than have some doctor stick her two fingers up my hoo-ha and push down on my uterus. Things like eating soup with a fork or walking two miles barefoot in the snow uphill to get to school.

I'm serious, my trip this time was just a comedy of errors.

First, they took my blood pressure, which was actually really good, considering that the sight of the ob/gyn office makes my heart race and my stomach hurt. So yay for that!

Then, they stabbed me in the finger to test my iron levels. Finger sticks hurt way worse than anything else, including giving birth without pain medication. My iron level and hemoglobin were good, too.

Then, they needed to weigh me. I hadn't really gained any weight in a year, but I definitely haven't lost any. I always take my shoes off, too, for that. If they'd let me, I'd probably take off more than that!

At this point, I took the bandage off my finger because The Cute One was upset by the fact that something was on my finger. This was a bad idea.

Here's why: my finger obviously wasn't done bleeding, but I didn't realize that until I was already in the bathroom to give them a urine sample. I tried not to bleed on the cup as I wrote my name on it. But it wouldn't have mattered because I dropped the cup in the toilet. Thankfully, I hadn't peed yet, so I got another cup and wrote my name on it. After I peed in it, I realized there was blood in the top from my stupid finger that wouldn't stop bleeding, so I had to get a third cup and rewrite my name and pour my pee in it. Three cups, people. You'd think I'd have never done this before.

Once we finally got a room--almost an hour after my appointment time was--I got to wear the oh-so-fashionable paper vest and paper blanket. I don't know why actresses don't wear these to the Oscars; they are so awesome. I mean, who wouldn't want to walk around in a vest that was designed to shred at the slightest movement and a blanket that won't even wrap around you all the way? I'm sure the gynos love walking into those rooms and seeing all those buttcracks.

My gyno was super nice and super apologetic about the wait and said everything looked good. So that's good. She did ask about what contraceptive measures we were taking, and we were like,

"Well, it took us a year and a half to get The Cute One and we had to take medicine to do that, so we aren't using any contraception but we're not really concerned about getting pregnant any time soon, and we aren't to the point of wanting that medicine again, but when we get there, we'll let you know."

She also asked if our relationship was sexual, and I just kind of stared at her blankly, like "what?" while The Brain is like, "Yes it's sexual." I just assumed all married couples had sex. Why is that even a question? But I guess some couples don't, so ya learn something every day, ya know?

So all in all, it was an eventful afternoon. And I don't have to do that for another year, so that's a good thing, too. And if you've just read this and are thinking "Why did she post this?" the answer is: This is my life, people. And this is my blog, too, so there!

I just want validation that I'm not the only one who has to "get ready" to go to the ob/gyn. So am I? What do you do to get ready for that?

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